mood: guilty

♫ a lack of color - death cab for cutie

my girlfriend of two years and i broke up last weekend.

it didn't hit me at first; maybe because i was technically the one who initiated it. we were in a long distance relationship, so we did it over text. it was a very cut and dry sort of exchange--i listed the reasons we aren't compatible, and she asked if i had any more questions or things to go over. it felt more like i was emailing customer service for a broken electronic, than anything.

a few days later, i even made a dating profile. maybe that meant i was truly over her. the relationship had been slowly dying, anyway, hadn't it? my actions were valid. i was okay, because i knew she was okay--better, even--without me dragging her down as her girlfriend.

then, she called me. as soon as i heard her sniffling between her slurred words, i couldn't help but feel like i made a mistake breaking up. she sounded so sad. and everything she told me was so, so sad.

at 6:48 PM, she asked me if we could act like we were still dating, up until 12 AM. then, she'll stop drinking and start getting over me. i agreed.

we talked and joked around like we usually did, consoled each other, annoyed each other. she said she hadn't laughed like that for weeks. she told me she loves me, and i told her i love her too. i still do. she told me she wants to get back together. i do too, but i couldn't tell her that.

if you're wondering why i even broke up with her in the first place if we both want each other to stay... i wonder, too. it's a cruel thing to break up with someone because of "love," but... god, i hate myself. i hate that we love each other so much. i hate that staying together means i can make her the happiest she's ever been, but with the condition of making her feel horrible every other day. i hate that i don't know how to fix myself to be enough for her, or to cater to what she needs. i don't know how to avoid making the same mistakes over and over again because of how forgetful i am. i don't think it's because i don't care. i just... everything important seems to escape from my mind, and she's no exception.

time and time again, i've made her wait for me to get better. i've noticed small changes in myself over time, but, to her, everything was still the same as it all was. yet, she still stuck with me after all these years... and i couldn't ignore just how miserable i was truly making her. that's not healthy.

she told me she knows i love and care for her... but she deserves someone who can actually make her feel that way, more often than not. i'm not capable of that. with me, she's destined to ride a rollercoaster of a relationship with rare, but highest highs--where we can look down on the world and feel as if nothing matters except the two of us; where we can laugh and love and kiss and cuddle with all the little things we taught each other about ourselves that no one else knows; where eveything just feels right--but with the deepest, most frequent lows, like we're both drowning in our own isolated misery.

she told me she thinks it's all her fault. that she let her pride get in the way of helping me to love her the way she wanted to be loved. that's why she acted passive aggressive with me, or shut down, or stopped trying to explain things to me. i can't say if i agree or not. but... what i did take from that was how we love in different ways. we both felt that we couldn't be enough for each other. we both felt like the downfalls of our relationship were our own, individual faults. we tried too hard to please each other.

i was talking to one of my best friends about this. i have spent so long feeling guilty about not being enough for her, and my friend called me stupid. she said it's not a bad thing to not understand each other, and if we kept dating, it could have gotten worse.

it's so unfair. everything about me and my girlfriend seemed to fit perfectly--except for the one thing that mattered in keeping us together.

i don't want anyone else but her. i don't want to move on. i don't want to see our relationship as an old memory, i don't want to delete all the pictures and videos i had of us, i don't want her to treat me like i'm just one of her friends again. i want to hold her in my arms. i want to kiss behind the closed door of my bedroom. i want to see her eyes light up every time we go out and do things she likes. i still want to be hers.

but i know it's selfish for me to make her stay. so... i have to let her go. i have to be okay with not being special to her. i have to be okay with being nothing more than friends. i have to stop loving her, the way i have for years. i should be happy she's still in my life, right? so i will be happy. i will be happy, because, finally, she can be happy.

mood: delusional

♫ hazel - far apart

who would i be if not an insecure mess of a person?

i hate my body. i hate the way most of my fat gets distributed to my stomach, so i end up not having a waist if i eat too much. i hate having big ribs that poke out and make me look fatter than i am. i hate feeling heavy. i hate junk food. i hate being forced to eat when i'm not hungry. i hate that i eat more snacks than meals because i have no self-control.

i hate seeing people skinnier than me, and wondering what they do to stay that size (or if it's just genetics.) i hate when people think it's quirky to blurt out they've only had coffee alllll dayyyyyy, and that they always forget to eat. i hate when people tell me i don't need to do anything to stay skinny; because, when i look at my parents, i know that one day i'll have to work three times as hard to stay the way i am right now.

i hate seeing everything in calories. i hate comparing myself to others. i hate that i don't have the mental fortitude to starve or throw up or regularly exercise; instead, i'm stuck only thinking, moping, crying about how much i need to be skinnier.

i hate that i can't talk about this with anyone. i want them to think i'm effortlessly skinny; that i don't even think about how much food i eat--i forget! i forgot to eat today! i skipped breakfast and lunch, haha. i might be too busy to eat dinner, later. i don't have an appetite. i'm not hungry. i don't like this food. i can't eat right now, i just ate earlier. no thanks, i just brushed my teeth; it'll taste weird. i want something else. i want to make my own food. i want nothing.

mood: sleepy

♫ strawberry soda - loossemble

this is just here for decoration lol. well... i guess i can count it as a blog post. there'll be actual ones in the future, i swear.